I should be writing my dissertation.

That's true, I should be writing my dissertation... but I thought I would have a ramble on here instead.
So...
To fill you in, in the last two weeks I have had an interview for PGCE (or teacher training for anyone who doesn't know) and got offered a place, got the offer of an interview for my second choice of PGCE (more on that later), lost my brain, had a lovely Christmas and hopefully found my brain again.

(other than the fact that both time I meant to write "brain" I actually wrote "brian" and had to go back and change it *facepalm*)

So now you're all up to date....

PGCE-
I want to be a teacher... a primary teacher, specialising in special educational needs so that I can support students just like myself to never give up on their dreams. I mean... If I can do it, then anyone can!
My first choice is to do the standard primary PGCE (5-7 year olds) at Bath Spa with a specialism in special educational needs. As I said earlier i've had my interview and been offered a place (if I can pass the skills tests and get a 2:2 at uni this year) but... being me, I always like to have a backup plan.
Sooo... my second choice was to do a school direct learning program which is basically like a teacher training apprenticeship, I got offered an interview which I was originally over the moon about. When I read through the "Well done we like you" email that they send out after offering you an interview, I realised that by accepting and having an interview, when id already been offered a place on the course I wanted to do, I would be taking that opportunity away from someone else. Now I know that it shouldn't matter and its every man for himself or whatever... but I felt bad! I know that if they offered me a place the conditions of the offer would be the same as my first choice meaning that if I didn't meet the conditions I wouldn't be able to go to either any way. I also knew that if I got offered a place and met the requirements I was always going to choose the other course. So I turned it down... I said thankyou for the opportunity but id like someone else to have it.
Surprisingly, im not at all fussed, usually not having a back up plan or making big decisions like that panics me... but I'm fine and I hope that whoever they offer that opportunity to grabs it with both hands!

Brain (again with the "brian" I don't even know a brian!)-
Over the Christmas period my plan was to have my literature review (the reading books and writing what they say thingy) of my dissertation done...
Now I know I am one for setting un realistic goals and expectations for myself and beating myself up when I cant reach them, but I figured I could definitely write 2500 words in the three weeks I had off for Christmas...
Well... clearly not!
At the beginning of the holiday I spent two straight days staring at my computer screen in a nest of books, writing no more than 200 words a day! just to put it into perspective... usually I can crack out at least 800 words in a day but my brain seemed to just run away with its self and decided not to play ball!
Today however I sat down in front of my computer and cracked out 500 words in an hour... then I went for lunch and now im writing this... but still... I feel like that a vast improvement and Im hoping its an indicator that my brain has finally returned from its Christmas vacation *Cheers and woops*.
pppppppsssssssssstttttttt. *Whispers* didn't write brian that time *wink*

anywhoooooo.... I suppose i'm done and should get back to writing this dissertation rather than rambling away! Hope everyone has had a lovely Christmas with their loved ones!

Just me,
Em x

Im on top of everything.

Shock!?!
Believe it or not I am on top of everything!!
My room is spotless, to the point where I have actually made my bed for three days in a row...
That is a new record for me!
Not only that but I am half way through an 1,000 word essay that is not due for another two weeks. This time last year two weeks would be the time I would use for one of the 4,000 word monster essays, but now I am an organised grown up I have more than enough time to get it done MAYBE even start the next one in the mean time.

I say maybe because i'm not sure how long all this organisation stuff is going to last *wink*

In all seriousness though...
I have been on time to uni;
Done all the readings and made notes; 
Picked up my towel after every shower;
Used my washing basket instead of the floor;
not to mention
Starting essays early!

Jeez I am seriously hoping I can keep this up and become one of those people that always has plenty of time to do things because they are so organised and on the ball! I want to be the really annoying one who's like "Oh you know that essay due in may? yeah I did it last week".... well... that's a bit of an exaggeration but you know what I mean right?
If I can keep this up the stress of upcoming deadlines might just not phase me and I could hand it in the day before and have a leisurely morning getting ready to leave on deadline day! Instead of the blind panic of filling in the front sheet and printing off before leaving *face palm*.

I am so on top of things I am even starting to think about Christmas presents... I know its still November, but if I get them early I can just hide them away and not have to panic or try and shop through the ciaos of town in December right?
Plus Christmas is my favourite time of year so im sort of excited already... if I could get a Christmas tree and decorate the house all Christmassy tomorrow I most definitely would, no question about it!

So... yet more waffling has been done... but I am currently winning at life so I thought I would fill you in!

Just me,
Em x  

Doing nothing.

It's so easy to do nothing.
To sit in bed and pretend that you're being productive, like I am as I am writing this.
I know that I should be continuing to clear out my room. So I finally have a reasonable amount of stuff to fit into such a small space. Instead though I have been scrolling through the online shops and Facebook to learn that someone I haven't spoken to in over six years is now engaged to someone I didn't even know they were with.

Now I know that I'm doing nothing and I'm not doing anything about it, In fact by doing nothing I have decided that if I write a blog post about me doing nothing, I can do nothing for a little longer.
Did you get that?
In fairness this is my first real day off where I don't have anything really important to be doing since like three weeks ago, so why can't I just do nothing?
I shall tell you why, because mum is working from home today and will continue to "remind" me that it's not yet done and that I should probably be getting on with it.

I am the sort of person where if I want to get something done I will stay up and will not give up until it's complete. On the other hand if I don't want to do it I will put it off for as long as possible and try to pretend it's not there.
This drives my friends insane I'm sure.
I hate to let people down so if someone needs me to do something I will often put that before what I was meant to be doing. Which is what keeps happening with my bedroom, although I don't want to do that, so any other option is always a better one.

In terms of today, I have taken the dog out for a nice long walk in the rain and had lunch. That was more than I'd planned so you could call that a success. Starting next week (procrastinating just a little longer) I am going to try and make every day that I have off until I go back to uni in September as productive as possible. I will try to make a list of  all the jobs that I need to do during the day to help me stay organised and on track. I love a good list, always makes me more productive as I just want to tick everything off. That really sad I know...
What can I say, lists are exciting things!

So from writing this blog post, you've gained nothing and I did nothing for an extra fifteen minutes of my day. You now know (if you didn't before) that I like lists and that I have people on Facebook that I haven't spoken to in years but still like to occasional stalk (not in a weird way I swear). Not to mention you now know that I am seriously good at doing nothing.
As it promises in my header, this is just my ramblings and my moany rubbish, enjoy.


Just me,
Em x

Becoming an adult.

That's it... First two years of uni over.
I passed every module and assignment and will be graduating in November.
It's fair to say all the hard work was worth it and I can now wave my results in the face of anyone who didn't believe I could do it!
I have had many a break down and almost given up, but next year I am off to Bath Spa to complete my degree and hopefully go on to be a teacher.

Over the summer I have balanced many responsibilies and really haven't spent that much time just doing nothing or getting around to cleaning my room (that I promised would be done about two months ago) oops.
In the accasional day that I don't spend either with my godson, babysitting, at work or with friends I have thought a lot about being an adult.
How crazy is it to think that at my age my parents were about to get married and owned their own home, whilst I'm still here living with my parents and getting drunk at the weekends.
I could not imagine even thinking about getting married right now (even if I did have a bf), I don't feel grown up enough to even move out just yet let alone get married!
There are still people that do get married young and good luck to them seriously... Spending everyday with someone up in your grill all the time! No thankyou....

Now a days there is so much pressure on children as young as 10 to act "grown up".
They should still be having a melt down when their mum says they can't have a sleepover on a school night, or that they are not alowed to be out playing in the park when the street lights come on. Now children have phones, social media and don't want to go out to play with their friends because they can just FaceTime them or talk to them on the Xbox. When I was young going to call on my friends and playing in the street with footballs, scooters, dolls and having water fights with the other children in our street were some of my favourite things to do during the summer. I would love to go back to then when my biggest responsibility was feeding my hamster, that if I forgot mum would do anyway...

I cannot get my head around the fact that (if my current plan works out) I will be a fully qualified teacher in 2 years time. I will be responsible for teaching the next generation how to read, write and be decent human beings. Hopefully by then I will have moved out and will be completely independent. Is it bad to wish that I could just fast forward to being a "real adult", that drinks wine with dinner, pays bills (no mum that does not mean I want to start paying rent) and goes to work?

When your young you often have an ideal (yet unrealistic) scenario for your life. I know I did.
I thought that by the time I was 22 I would have a job, a family and my own life. Although at that point I thought 22 was "really old" so it's fair to say that my scenario was definately unrealistic and I'm glad it didn't work out that way. I'm having fun being young and selfish, doing things for me and only having to worry about the few responsibilies I have on a day to day basis. I believe that life is to be lived and your choices will determined where you end up in life. I don't plan ahead, I could change my mind tomorrow about going to uni and decide that I'd rather work in retail or move to antartica for the rest of my life. Although... Probably not because I like my mums cooking to much *wink*

Just me,
Em x

Being an adult and embarrassment.

Today I was an adult... And voted for the first time, it was an "I know nothing but an app told me to vote this one so that one it is" style vote which to be honest seems pointless.
I know nothing about politics... Like nothing at all!
So why should I vote?
Women fought for me to be able to vote today, of course I'm grateful for the option but I think why vote if you don't have a leading opinion?
I don't moan about the government and I don't know what's best...
Surely it is better to have 10 well informed and fully back votes than 1000 badly informed or random votes?
I don't understand how the importance has become on the fact you vote and don't waste the opportunity though surely not knowing anything and choosing randomly is just as much of a waste?
Well... Perosnally I will not be voting next year if I do not believe or follow one of the parties policies, I don't see the point... I'd rather save my vote and develop a true opinion.
On another note... I embarrassed myself today... To be fair I embarrass myself most days but I thought I'd share...
This morning around 10am i was leading an activity with the children in my placement where they had to create number sentences in play dough....
Playdough I have decided is the devil!!
At some point during the activity I must have lent in the salty grossness making it stick to my cardigan.... Not a small amount either... Like a full on blob!
This play dough arm leach must have clung to my arm all day and was only noticed as I was going to vote at 8pm!
Sooo today ladies and gents I have walked around with a large blob of play dough stuck to my arm in plain view of just about everyone for a total of 10 hours!! AND NOBOBY TOLD ME!!
I must have looked like a complete numpty with a big white blob stuck to my black... Yes black cardigan...
-.-
Crinnggggeeeee
If you take anything from this let it be that, if you see someone with a blob of something or something embarrassing like their flys being undone. Tell them! The embarrassment you cause is nothing compared to he embarrassment of that person when they finally realise and have a mental recap of all the people who would have seen it throughout the day!!
Over and out *wink*
Just me,
Em x

The struggle is real.

So I'm sure anyone who reads this (if anyone does) is aware I am in my second year at uni.
If you weren't aware then you are now *wink
Anyway, when your coming to the end of the academic year the work piles on and the stresses rise to the point where even someone whispering in the next room can get on your nerves.
I have been a grouch lately, I had a deadline last Tuesday and was stressing right up until the night before.
This is going somewhere I promise... well... I hope!
Anyway, I realised today that I was stressing over one of the small deadlines... I realised that I only had two things due and both were finished in plenty of time. Now I am really starting to panic... I've got an essay on the 11th to get out the way and then four deadlines on the 19th *shock horror!!
Why do they do that???
Who is the mean git that says.. "oh do you know what would be good! we can give them a big deadline break between November and march then BAM! throw it all on them in may just before they finish"
I found the answer this question on Tuesday...  the answer is a tweed twin suit, loafer wearing, bike riding git...!
I don't know if the true hate is coming across but believe me the struggle is real!
She hates me... full blown hates me! Im sure your all agree with me when I say im pretty perfect (joke) so what is there to hate??
I mean... I do occasionally whisper in her lecture, and my phone makes a fart noise on the chair when it vibrates and makes me giggle occasionally but all my other lecturers seem to have coped and may even like me?
I've always been naughty at school and the fact that I am at least trying to be good and she still hates be is infuriating... if this year wasn't so important then I would be really tempted to show her just how naughty I used to be in school and see how she likes that!!
Oh no!! My laptops dyinggggggggggggg....
I'm back...
where was I?
Oh yeah... Caroline! Grrr that women angers me... I am going to pass this year just to spite her and move to bath spa to get the hell away!
I suppose this whole time you've probably been thinking "if you're so worried about your deadlines why are you writing a stupid blog post about nothing when you could be doing it?" the answer to that question is simple!
My brain is fried... burnt chips style... I have sat and stared at my computer screen today for far to long just thinking about how much "I cant do this" and convincing myself I need a drink, food maybe or that I definitely just heard the dog barking to go out.
I am hoping that by not concentrating on my work for a little while I can find my brain and cool it off a little as I write rubbish for you... whoever you may be.
Just before I go... I feel that I should inform you that I have written this blog post whilst sitting in a sea of 23 (yes I did just count them) books.....
The struggle is real guys!
Just me,
Em x

Life challenges.

Learning is always going to be hard even when you have someone on your back constantly... But self lead learning is a massive pain in the butt!!
I have essays due in months that I have to start now, and research that I have to be doing continuously alongside all of the other reading I have to do.
Uni is hard, some people can't cut it and other strive... To be honest I am just happy to be passing and confident I am going to make it through no matter the struggle!
I don't know how many of you know, but I am dyslexic so I struggle with reading, spelling and getting my thoughts down on paper.
And I have a blog *chuckle*
As a result I was not expected to get as far as I have done, and I'm not going to lie, it is a daily struggle to keep myself motivated and on track. But if I want to be a teacher I have to succeed and complete another two years of uni.... Booooo
My auntie told me on Sunday that she was "proud" of how far I have come considering... Although this doesn't sound like a massive compliment it honestly made my day. My older cousins are A* students with degrees in things like maths and I know it sounds bad but I was always jealous of how easy learning was for them and feeling like the stupid one because I was over the moon with my C in English after the 4th attempt.... But I've come to realise that success is what you want it to be, we make our own aims and work towards them in our own ways.
Success for one person might be getting a 99% on an assignment and others will be happy with anything above 40.
Can you guess which one I am?
My aim for life is to be happy, be able to have a job I love and people that love me. I don't care about money or popularity.
At the end of the day if you have people who love you and you are happy what else matters?
Anyone who is thinking of taking on a challenge no matter if it's a degree, a marathon or even just a spelling test, set yourself the aim to complete what you set out to do, whether that is as the slowest in the race or at 40% (the pass mark for uni assignments).
If you can do better then strive, do the best you can!
A challenge should be a struggle, it should test you and make you think, teach you new things you didn't know before and make you proud when you succeed.
After all a life without challenges would be pretty boring...

Just me,
Em x

What friends are for.

Something was said to me tonight (well... This morning technically), there may or may not have been alcohol involved, but we were walking homes from the pub after all...
Hold on...
Let me set the scene for you.
We (me and my two best chums) had gone to the pub for some beverages of the alcoholic variety, it is Friday night after all! Anyway we chatted for hours putting the world to rights before heading home.
On the walk there was the mention of hunger so I offered the kitkat I had found in my bag prior on the walk down.
I know... I'm just to kind right?
Anyway as I handed over the bar, the recipient (posh word) stated "what are friends for if not to give you food when your hungry?"
This got me thinking...
What are friends actually for?
They have no specific role they are just there to be part of your support network and to be THAT person no matter what you need THAT person to be.
Sometimes they have to play the bad cop and make you mad.
Sometimes they have to hug you when you're sad.
Sometimes they have to have your back in a fight,
Or stand up for you when no one else does...
But one this always remains the same (if they are a good friend of course) they will always have your best interests at heart, they will pretect you when you need pretecting and tell you the truth even when the truth hurts and most of all they will like you for you and will not try and change even those really annoying habits or quirks you may have.
Of course I have none because I'm completely perfect *wink*
At school you have friends, lots of friends but it's not til you leave and go your separate ways that you actually learn who your true friends are and who you can count on.

I really don't say it enough but my friends are awesome, we have inside jokes, constant giggles and they even accept my barking mad family. So.. That's what friends are for, to be your support and your THAT person when you need them, and be your agony aunt and gossip chum when you don't.

Why I am writing a blog post after just getting in from the pub you may be thinking... The answer is I don't know... Maybe I would have forgetten or it wouldn't have seemed so relivant in the morning (could be afternoon at this rate).

Just me,
Em x

Life.

Life is hard... No one said it was going to be easy!
Everybody experiences it differently, but almost everyone will have a point in their life where they struggle and want to give up.
For the loved ones around you this is their chance to show they care and drag you through kicking and screaming if they have too...
But they don't always know.
Life is too short to keep yourself to yourself, you get no where.
Sharing is caring and all that!!
Sometimes in life you notice those around you acting differently or making strange decisions... should you step in?
You don't want to feel like you're intruding but you care, right?
So you tread on eggshells and ask questions around the subject rather than coming right out with it...
I am a known culprit of this but no more! I am going to ask the awkward and scary questions because I need to be there and help anyway I can even if its just lending an ear or two.
Heartbreak of a friend or family is awful, and awkward... do they want constant reassurance that "they were just a massive asshole" or do they want to be left alone?
But what do you do if you know someone is going to get their heart broken... you can see it now, exactly how its going to happen and are just waiting to pick up the pieces again.
Do you warn them or stand well clear?
Its true people have to make their own mistakes but if you warned them would they act differently?
Jeeezz people are complicated and yet we gravitate towards them?
We basically chose our friends like "you're a nice human, I think I'll keep you" and your stuck.
(Unless they turn into a psychopath of course *wink*)
I personally feel a sense of responsibility for my friends and family, as I'm sure most people do, wanting to keep them safe and out of harms way where I can.
So I am going to ask the awkward questions, give the warnings even when it might not be what they want to hear and I am going to stick by my friends and family no matter what because I like my choice of humans (even if they are all a little odd *wink*)

Just me,
Em x

A week off? No.

This week is half term.
A luxury for us students where you finally get to catch up on that lecture you missed three weeks ago and start to understand what your lecturer has actually been talking about for the last week or two.
Now, usually half term for me consist of work and lounging about until it's time to actually do something or go back to uni...
Some days I don't even bother to change out of my pjs...
But this half term is different, it hasn't even started yet and I'm already struggling to find a spare minute to finally get around to tidying my room or even just slob out in front of the tele...
This year my lecturers thought that it would be a good idea to set five deadlines for the same day, which means handing in 10,000 words and doing two completely different presentations on near enough the same thing!
Now if life wasn't complicated enough I now have to try and write essays two months in advance to make sure I get them all in on time whilst still having other deadlines alongside.
Basically just don't talk to me from the beginning of april right through to the start of June because I am going to be stressing BIG time!
Oops... Going off topic.
Anyway, my original plan for half term was to start a couple of my essays, get some reading done for my research project and chill out. Now it seems that the only day I am going to have left to chill out is Sunday!
A whole week off and my only free day is Sunday? How does that work?
I brought a week planner, thinking ohhhh that will be a pretty way to display all the things I have to do this week:

Awhhhh how sweet with all it's cute little flowers and owls...

Or so I thought!! 

It's now turned into the planner of doom!! (I feel this filter is more fitting!) 

It has become the thing I dread to look at as it reminds me of how busy I am and how much I have to be doing...

But it does show that i am actually sticking to the promises I made to myself in my "Organising my life." Blog post I suppose...

Basically I had nothing important to say (do I ever?) so I sprouted a load of moany rubbish about how busy I am. You my friend, are very welcome *wink*. 

Just me, 

Em x 

My best friends are the best.

So... Today as you will know is Valentine's Day... *snooorreee*
Valentine's day is a day for couples to be all smushy and loved up, sending flowers and chocolates to express their feelings that in reality should be expressed in everyday life.
Also... I for one think that sending flowers and chocolates on a random day rather than one which effectively tells you to is much more romantic.
But me and my bestest chums... we do it differently.
As we are all shelf buddies, as my mum never fails to remind us, we have an anti-valintines day.
Last year we have pizza, movies and gossip and this year one of my bestest chums cooked for us and we will be watchinging movies more than likely until the earlier hours of the morning.
Now, these aren't just any movies... They are the yhe most chicky, flicky movie in the history of chick flicks and we love it *wink*.
It's a boy free zone where slobbing and lack of ladylike-mess is allowed.
I think what I love best is that there is no judgement.
Right now... I am slobbed on a bed with hair that could do with a good brush, my brothers old jumper and little to no makeup, and no one cares!?!
There is no "oh you look rough" or "what you wearing that for?" It's just not mentioned... We don't have to justify ourselved to each other because we are comfortable. Like really comfortable!!
Obviously there are many more things I love about them too but these are the things that stand out today.
Everyone needs a support network and people that they can be completely themselves around... And I'm happy with my choice.

Just me,
Em x

Organising my life.

Anyone who knows me will know that I am the most unorganised person EVER!
I am late for everything and I'm a complete scatter brain with most things...
In fact I think the only thing I am organised about is my uni work, all my notes have to be done in a particular format and notes have to be done in full or it will grate on me until its fixed.
I mean just look at my placement journal:

Is that odd? Probably...

I decided at the beginning of this year that I was going to try and change this, which obviously hasn't happened as of yet! As you may know... I wouldn't go as far as to say that it was a new years resolution, because who ever sticks to those? Not me, that's for sure. But it was definitely a goal that I wanted to achieve.

In case you hadn't already noticed I am also a brilliant procrastinator, its one of my many talents! In fact I'm probably doing it right now as I have a million and one other things that I should be doing but instead I'm writing rubbish and putting it off until later. Again...

But I have decided I need to get myself more organised and start making the most of the time I do have, rather than stressing and leaving everything to the last minuet. I am going to use my rare free time to slowly start working my way through all those jobs that I know I should have done months ago... like tidying my room and sorting out my clothes for example. I have so many clothes that I can hardly move and to be honest... I only have about 20 outfits I actually wear! Including my particularly large jumper collection...

I'm going off on one... but the point is, I'm going to try and get myself organised and do things systematically and in plenty of time!
To be honest I don't know how I've survived uni this long whilst being so unorganised!

Talking of being unorganised... Mums just got home and told me off for not doing the job I was meant to have done in the two hours they've been out...
Oops!

Better go and put my plans into action!

Just me,
Em x

Too much on my plate.

So recently I have realised that I was busy 7 days a week.

I was getting sick all the time and letting people down... Which I hate, as you will know if you've read my "letting people down." Blog post.
I realised that I was just existing and wasn't really having fun with the time I had, I was caught up in a routine mainly consisting of: uni, essays, job, job, job, eat, sleep, yet more essays.
That's right... I was balancing three jobs and uni because I needed the money, but did I really need the money?
The answer is no.
I just thought I needed the money, I could survive on just two jobs and more sleep.
Now anyone who knows me will know i am a massive shop aholic and buy far to many clothes and other bits and bobs I most definately do not need.
So leaving a job I'd been at for four and a half years was a seriously hard decision...
It mainly came down to the fact that I needed more time and I was no longer enjoying working there.

This posses the question:
Are you just existing? Or are you having fun?
Now if you're having fun and enjoy the routine you're in, then good for you, I'm really pleased and keep up the good work *wink*.
But if you, like me, are mearly existing do something about it!! There is things out there that you can do to change, find a hobby or find a new job... Life isn't all about money and how much you can earn...

As members of society we are expected to; go to school, get an education and work until we die...
But why should we?
There is no rule to say that you can't take a year off from everything and go traveling or just be a bum for six months!

Growing up my parents always taught me that money isn't everything and you don't need to be rich or even well off to enjoy life. This is something I am definately going to carry throughout life and will encourage me to have more "free fun", spending time with the people I love and making the most of the life I create for myself!

I've freed up some space on my plate to spend time with the people I love... Have you?
Something to think about...

Just me,
Em x